How not to respond to a bully? Top 9 Mistakes We Often Make.
By Antoine G Larosiliere
After noticing the mistakes my students have made in dealing with bullying; I began to think about how not to respond to a bully.
magine someone saying something to you, that was never said to you before or expressed it in that manner? Would you be ready to respond? Most people don’t realize what they don’t know until they’re in a situation that exposes it. Most of us who’ve never been bullied before, probably wouldn’t know how to respond if it suddenly happened. Before we break down what to do in a bullying situation, we first should rule out how not to respond to a bully. Below are the top 9 things you should do when dealing with a bully.
#1 Don’t initiate physical altercation.
Initiating physical violence should be avoided by any means necessary. No matter your location or whom you’re surrounded by; it will only make things worse. There’s a saying, “violence begets violence,” and here’s what that means. It simply states that if you initiate violence, more violence will follow you. This saying also aligns with the Law of Reciprocity; which refers to all of our behaviors being reciprocated with similar behaviors sooner or later. The point here is, if you want to avoid violence, do not initiate violence.
#2 Don’t show you’re upset.
The nature of bullying is a real or perceived imbalance of power. This power takes the form of control. The bully is trying to control your behavior or how you feel. The bully’s goal is to upset you or make you uncomfortable, but you can’t allow that. One way to reverse this imbalance of power is to never show the bully that you’re upset. If the bully notices that you’re upset, it will give him satisfaction and the confidence to continue to harass you.
#3 Don’t cry.
If you need to cry, do so privately or around people you trust; never around your bully. There’s nothing wrong with crying in general, and often it’s good to release those emotions, but not when disadvantageous. The bully intends on controlling how you feel, and seeing you cry from their torment will give them great satisfaction. You must do whatever you can to prevent this satisfaction, for it will allow your abuse to continue if not worsen. Here are some tips to help you if you feel yourself about to cry…
- Turn and walk away quickly.
- Give yourself a quick pep talk.
- Distract yourself by focusing on something that is irrelevant to the situation.
- Picture something ridiculously funny in your mind.
- Take deep breaths and focus on breathing slowly and calmly.
- Tilt your head back and blink repeatedly to hold the tears back.
- Pinch yourself, so the pain can distract you from crying.
- Pinch the bridge of your nose.
“some bullies will take your silence as compliance.”
#4 Don’t stay quiet.
I understand there are times when bad things will happen to us that will render us speechless. But in a bullying situation, there are a few words that are absolutely necessary. The most important of the words is “stop!” You must make it clear as soon as possible that you don’t care for their actions towards you. If you don’t say, “stop” or express that you don’t like what they’re doing; some bullies will take your silence as compliance. To establish what they are doing is bullying; it must be intentional, not an accident or “just fooling around.”
#5 Don’t go out of your way to be their friend.
We’ve all had that one person that annoyed us because they tried too hard to be our friend. Well, don’t become that annoying person. It’s annoying because often we’ve already made up our minds about who we like and don’t like. By forcing ourselves onto others we set ourselves up to be used, or humiliated. No one is liked by everyone, even Jesus had haters. So be true to yourself by being friends to who’s genuine to you.
#6 Don’t reciprocate.
According to the Law of Reciprocity, whatever you do will be reciprocated on to you and vice versa. In other words, if you reciprocate the abuse the bully has caused you, more abuse will come your way, sooner or later. Furthermore, you don’t want to poison your character with behaviors that are not consistent with who you are. Not to mention, often in bullying situations; the reaction is what’s usually caught, not the initial act.
#7 Don’t insult them.
In reinforcing the advice of not reciprocating, let focus on not insulting the bully specifically. Insulting the bully will only escalate the situation, and that’s not something you want. Escalating the situation usually won’t reverse the imbalance of power. When we escalate the situation, we usually place ourselves in an even more compromised situation. To reverse the imbalance of power that exists, we must react opposite of what the bully expects, while not escalating the abuse. Insults are usually motivated by anger or hurt, which would let the bully know they have affected how you feel. Do not give them that satisfaction.
#8 Don’t mock them.
If insulting the bully will escalate things; rest assured, so will mocking them. When you mock someone, you’re making fun of the way they speak or act, implying they are inferior to you. You mocked someone to make them feel uncomfortable with who they are and how they behave. It is done by insecure people who want others to feel as they do. For a victim of bullying to mock a bully, it is an admittance of their insecurities. With that being said, mocking sounds a bit worse than an insult.
#9 Don’t go out of your way to avoid them.
Most adults would probably advise you to avoid the bully entirely, but I’m not one of those. Avoiding the bully will feed into your fears, and do nothing to empower resilience in the hearts and minds of children. The bully will also notice you are trying to avoid them and will be further encouraged to continue the abuse. Avoiding them will do nothing to reverse the imbalance of power, but it will delay it some; and that’s not what you want.
The world can be a cruel place and many of us at some point will have to address some form of bullying. When you do, it’s important to know what to do, but it’s also equally important to know what not to do. The article What is the best way to respond to bullying has more strategies that can help. If bullying continues to be an obstacle in your life; seek the help of a trusted adult or professional. I hope this has been helpful. Also visit my YouTube channel for more insight to these topics.
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