How Do I Know If I Need Closure? 13 illuminating signs!
By Antoine G Larosiliere
I’m constantly hearing my friends, family and coworkers telling others they need closure, but how do I know I need closure?
I don’t know about you, but I hate getting advice with no explanation on why the advice was given. If a doctor tells you, you have a cold; he’s also going to tell you the symptoms that led them to this conclusion. This is to help you pre-evaluate your conditions in the future. So, when I hear someone say, “you need closure;” my first thought is, “how do I know if I need closure.” I did a little research, used some personal experiences as well and what I found out was illuminating. You know that you need closure if you’re constantly referring to the person who hurt you, you’re preoccupied with their lives, you’re clinging on to false hope, you’re still blaming others, you’re not open to meeting new people, you’re lying to yourself about who they really are and what happened, if you’re angry; you may want revenge, you try to suppress your emotions, or stay in mourning too long, you act like it’s the end of the world, you’re still allowing unhealthy contact with the person, you keep replaying the situation in your mind, and you’re not being yourself anymore.
“Your past relationship should not dictate your future relationship, unless you need closure.”
#1 You constantly refer to them
I’m sure you’ve been in conversations where the person is constantly referring to their ex. They say things like, “my ex had the same car” or, “my ex said the same thing.” Constantly comparing you or other people to the one that hurt them. Your past relationship should not dictate your future relationship, unless you need closure. This person needs closure, because they’re still holding on to qualities this person has. If you’re still complaining about what they used to do or what they did to you, first chance you get; you need closure.
#2 You’re preoccupied with their lives
Are you constantly wondering what this person is doing and who they are doing it with? Then you need closure. Are you stalking their social media, or worse passing through their neighborhood to see if they’re seeing anyone else. Are you judging the person they’re dating, wondering what they have that you aint got? Everything around you reminds you of them,and makes you sad. If that’s the case, you need closure.
#3 Still clinging on to false hope
You are probably in constant denial that the relationship is over. You might even believe the person is coming back to you. You’re doing this because the pain from the break-up you’re not ready to deal with yet. You even have his keepsakes in your possession to make you feel as if they hadn’t left. You may not realize you’re doing this, but you need closure.
#4 Still blaming others
Do feel you were the victim in the situation. You blame the person for how you feel, both of your actions, and even how everything is perceived. If you believe nothing that happened in the relationship is your fault, you do need closure; but more importantly, you’re not even ready for it. By blaming them for everything, you’re placing all the power in their hands. You are purposely rendering yourself powerless.
#5 You’re not open to meeting new people
Are you hesitant on going on dates? Do you turn down date offers without valid excuses. But when you do; you nit-pick. Even when you like someone, are you purposely not trying to take it to the next level? Are you making indirect comments that will repel your pursuers? You may not realize it, but this could mean you haven’t moved on from your ex. You’re purposely conducting yourself in a way that will leave you available to go back to your ex. You need closure, and you should give yourself permission to seek it.
#6 You’re still lying to yourself about who they are
You’re probably still thinking, “why did they do this, that’s not the person I knew.” Are you making excuses for their past and current actions? Saying things like, “he/she did that because of…..he/she said that because…..” Are you rejecting any notion or proof that conflicts with what you believe them to be? Chances are, you’re in denial and need closure.
#7 You want revenge
Do you have feelings of resentment when you think about them? Do you get angry when someone mentions them or you hear or see something that reminds you of them? Do you wish ill upon them? Not necessarily them getting hurt or being sick; more like, you hope they are unhappy in their future relationships or careers. You blame them for whatever happened and the pain you’re feeling. You don’t want to reconcile, or forgive; but wish for payback. But, what you really need is closure.
#8 You’re suppressing how you feel
Are you not allowing yourself to deal emotionally with what happened. Do you avoid subject matter that will force you to talk about the situation. Do you purposely submerge yourself in your career or keep yourself busy in hopes of not having downtime to think about what happened? When asked about how you feel; do you respond with, “I’m fine?” Do you lie to yourself about how you feel, you might definitely need closure.
#9 You’re in mourning for too long
There’s nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel sad for a little while. It’s actually very healthy to express and validate your emotions. What we should not do is stay in that sad place for too long. If you’re still crying after a week, it’s a problem. If you’re still feeling sad for weeks at a time, you need to find closure. If this sadness lasts even longer than that, you need to seek professional help. Allowing ourselves to stay in such a sad, and depressing place for too long is unhealthy and may turn into a self destructive habit.
#10 You act like it’s the end of the world
Are you finding it hard to picture yourself in a better place? Does your future prospects all of the sudden seem bleak? Does it feel like the end of the world, with no glimmer from the light at the end of the tunnel? If you feel like this was your only chance for love or success, nothing can be further from the truth. Usually these feelings come immediately after a loss or major disappointment. It’s normal, but if these emotions continue to persist, it is a sure sign of you needing closure.
#11 You’re still allowing unhealthy contact with them
Are you still meeting up, even though you two aren’t together, or hanging out when you’re no longer friends. Maybe you’re still going to the same places you used to, hoping to run into them? Do you still have their phone number, and you text them birthday and holiday best wishes? Do you tell yourself you’re doing this to be cordial? Are you still following them on social media, maybe even liking a post or two? Still finding ways to keep them in your life even though you probably shouldn’t? Sounds like you could use some closure.
#12 You’re not being yourself anymore
Is everyone saying you’re behaving differently, or you’re just not the same anymore? Are you distancing yourself from your friends because you’re embarrassed, or don’t want to hear their comments about the situation? Are you trying to change what’s ginuwine about you because you think it’s the reason why you got hurt? Don’t change the real you, but you do need closure.
#13 You keep replaying the situation over and over in your mind
You don’t just have this person on your mind; you’re constantly replaying the situation over and over again. You’re confused on what exactly happened, so you replay it looking for clues, or any resemblance of an answer to what went wrong. You’re also replaying it to convince yourself that it’s not really over, because you don’t want it to be.
This is by no means a way to self diagnose, but more of a preliminary step in getting the help you really need. If you believe you might need closure, check out the article, How Do I Get Closure? 10 steps to move on and let go for good. Hopefully this article has helped you learn some things about yourself that you didn’t realize before. Also visit my YouTube channel for more insight to these topics.
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