How Do I Get Closure? 10 steps to move on and let go for good.
By Antoine G Larosiliere
If you’ve ever been hurt like I have in the past, you probably found yourself wondering, how do I get closure.
Have you ever wanted closure regarding a break-up, maybe something happened during childhood or maybe it was you who was the culprit? There are many reasons why someone would ask, how do I get closure. The reason this question tends to come up is because “closure” is a lot trickier than we realize. To get closure, we have to first identify what we are feeling and why we are feeling it, accept the loss and who they really are, forgive them and yourself, accept responsibility, set boundaries, see the blessings in the situation and commit to being a better version of yourself.
“You can’t truly heal, by suppressing your emotions.”
#1 Identify what you are feeling and why you are feeling it.
Don’t run from your emotions. You can’t truly heal, by suppressing your emotions. You have to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, before you can label exactly what it is. Whether it be anger, sadness, guilt or, any other emotion in a safe environment. Allow yourself to be in that space or a couple of days maximum. Do not allow yourself to stay in such a place weeks at a time. If you can’t pull yourself out, seek professional help; especially if the particular experience was a traumatic one. You have to identify what you’re feeling and decide will it subside with closure. To do this, you must…
1)Try to pinpoint the situation that bothers you or upset you. Example: A particular break-up or act of betrayal.
2)Try to identify the emotions you feel when you think about it.
3)Try to narrow down why you feel this way or why you’re holding onto this situation? Example: “I thought she loved me” or, “I thought they were my friends” or “I’m embarrassed.”
4)Ask yourself, “will seeking closure help?”
#2 Don’t confront the person.
I know this seeking the person out is probably your first impulse. But, whatever you do; please don’t confront the person. You have no business questioning someone else for the peace that you need. The closure you are seeking, must come from within. Do not give someone else power over the things that you need. Empower yourself, by giving it to yourself. When we seek closure from others, we’re usually looking for some truth, or confirmation of what you’ve heard or believe. But they don’t owe us that, contrary to what you believe. What if they lie to us, or don’t know their own truth; where’s your closure then? It’s like you’re going back to the person that wronged you to ask for permission to heal and move on. You’re essentially giving them another opportunity to wrong you again.
#3 Accept the loss
Once the incident is done and over with, it’s time to accept the loss. Don’t spend time wondering what could have been or what should have been; accept what it is. It’s hard to accept a loss when you can’t wrap your brain around why you were wronged. To make the acceptance of the loss a little easier, you need to understand why it happened. Do some research, get your information together without questioning the person that wronged you. Once you understand why you were wronged, you can accept it, because the “math” will add up.
#4 Finally accept who they really are
According to psychologytoday.com, acceptance is an active process of perceiving reality as it is right now. Unfortunately, the reason we want to seek out people for our closure is either because we lied or turned a blind eye to who they really are or, we really never took the time to find out. We made up in our minds who this person is, and when they show otherwise, we choose not to believe them. Instead, we seek them out to find out why they didn’t behave in the manner we expected. The truth is, their actions are proof of who they really are and we should accept it.
#5 Forgive them
According to psychologytoday.com, forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. You’re not accepting blame or pointing the finger. You’re not saying what you did was right or wrong. You’re choosing to forgive for your own personal well being. Once you’ve accepted who they really are, you’ll understand why you were wronged. Realizing they were just being themselves will let you know it wasn’t personal. You will see them in a different light and they will become easier to forgive. Not only are you forgiving the person who wronged you, but for those of you who like to beat yourselves up; you must also forgive yourselves too. What could you possibly have to forgive yourself for? Whether you realize it or not, the decisions you made that you accepted responsibility for, have to be forgiven. For example, if someone betrays your trust; you must forgive yourself for not seeing they were untrustworthy earlier or allowing yourself to trust them in the first place. Whatever those decisions were, you must forgive yourself for them.
#6 Accept responsibility
We all play a part in every relationship and in every situation we’re involved with. The responsibility for closure falls entirely upon you. You have to choose the appropriate yet necessary actions to help you move on. You must be transparent and truthful with yourself to gain real clarity. Take power over your closure by taking ownership of the part you played. Once you’ve done that, the pain from believing you were victimized will begin to subside, because you’ll realize you had more control over the situation than you thought. To accept responsibility you must ask yourself…
- What did I do that allowed the situation to happen?
- What did I not do that could have prevented the situation from happening?
- Did I lie to myself or, turn a blind eye to who they really are or, what was going to happen?
- Was I afraid of doing what needed to be done?
- Did my efforts to prevent the situation from happening fall short due to faults of my own?
#7 Set boundaries
Once you’ve established you don’t need them for closure, start setting up some boundaries. When you establish boundaries, you limit space and contact between you and the other person . If you don’t limit this space and contact, you won’t allow yourself to heal. Healthy boundaries implies you cut off contact completely. No check-ins or coffee dates; remove and unfollow them from all social media. If you have a child with this person, or if they’re family, you might still have to interact and be civil. That doesn’t mean boundaries can’t be possible; matter fact, they are even more important. The goal in such circumstances is choosing boundaries that focus on amicable health and peace for everyone involved. In other words, choose the boundaries that are best for everyone involved.
#8 See your blessings
This step is one of the most vital steps in seeking closure. The idea is to find the positive in a negative situation. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to open your eyes and be patient and eventually you’ll see it. Being able to see the good in the wrongs that happened to you releases the anger you feel. The blessing always seems to dwarf the negative impact of the problem. If you are no longer angry towards the other person, it also makes it a lot easier to forgive them. This will also make it easier to forgive yourself as well, since the anger you have towards yourself would have likely also dissipated. So, if you want closure, find the blessings in your hardships.
#9 Don’t change the real you.
Improving who you are, doesn’t mean changing what makes you, you. Whatever perceived flaws you have that contributed to the problem, must be strengthened. Don’t change any of the wonderful things about you; your ability to love, trust and be unselfish as a few examples. Changing the great essential aspects of you, is a sign that you’re giving up on yourself. You are showing your enemies or the people who hurt you that they won. You’re waving the white flag, and choosing to be someone else you think won’t suffer the same defeats. But, the only thing that works in fulfilling long term closure is being your true self.
# 10 Focus on being great
Do not let your world revolve around any relationship. If the relationship is over, don’t let it define you. Put your energy back into you. Work on the flaws and insecurities that led to you being hurt or wronged. Become a better version of yourself. Focus on doing the things you love, conquering fears, building confidence and self esteem. Long term closure will come if you are focused on pursuing your greatness and are happy with who you are.
So, If you need closure; an explanation, or an apology? It begins with the person you see in the mirror. If you try to get it from the person who wronged you, you’ll be waiting a long time. Hopefully this article will help you achieve the closure you need. Also visit my YouTube channel for more insight to these topics.
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