What does bullying teach you? 14 Lessons I Learned!
By Antoine G Larosiliere
When speaking with children who have been bullied; to try to give them some encouragement, I found myself wondering what does bullying teach you?
When I immigrated to America as a child, I couldn’t speak english, I had an accent, I looked different and my mother dressed me up real nerdy looking. This is when the bullying began as well as my dislike for school. As an adult I’m asked, what does bullying teach you; I can’t help but smile and think to myself, a lot. Bullying has taught me how to navigate successfully through life and how to become a greater version of myself. Below you’ll find the 15 lessons I learned being a victim and a bully.
“we can’t avoid pain any more than we can avoid breathing.”
#1 Embrace the pain.
Most of us go out of our way to avoid pain, some of us even try not to acknowledge it. But these efforts are futile, because we can’t avoid pain any more than we can avoid breathing. We also need to acknowledge its existence, but even more than that embrace it. It’s ok to feel hurt every now and then, it just lets you know you’re alive and you’re human. The recognition and validation of the hurt begins the healing process. Get comfortable with the pain, get familiar with it; it makes the joys of life that much sweeter. To embrace the pain we’ve been afflicted with, we must…
- Recognize we are hurting
- Understand why we are hurting
- Accept our vulnerability
- Embrace our pain and vulnerability by realizing it’s necessary for growth.
- Anticipate the growth that will follow the pain
#2 Don’t accept blame, accept accountability.
It is never the victim’s fault as to why they are being attacked. Being different is never justification of aggressive and foul treatment. Being bullied can happen to anyone one of us. Therefore the victim should never accept blame for being bullied. Accountability on the other hand, is something we should all accept; victims and bullies alike. By being accountable, the victim is simply saying “is there anything about me that makes me likely to be a target?” “Are there qualities I can work on that will better prepare me to deal with bullying behaviors?” Accepting accountability, builds confidence, self-esteem as well as becoming more resilient.
#3 See the lesson through the hurt.
Instead of relishing or wallowing in the pain you suffered at the hand of this bully, focus on the hidden lesson in the experience. In every adverse situation or conflict there is a hidden lesson. When faced with a difficult situation, you should ask yourself, “what is the lesson in this, how can this make me better?” Often the emotion of the situation will blind us to the lesson, but it’s important to see through the pain and frustrations.
Oftentimes, these lessons fall under one of the following categories: progress, perseverance, patience, or accepting who you are. Make no mistake, seeing the lesson is a key component to your personal growth.
#4 Even though I’m a good person, some people won’t treat me well.
You’ve heard the saying, “life isn’t fair.” Well, it isn’t; and don’t ever expect it to be anytime soon. No matter how good and fair of a person you try to be, there are others who simply won’t treat you well. There are people who will bully you or take advantage of you, if you allow it. You need to accept this reality, while not placing any expectations on others. You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you respond. Your response will determine if the abusive behavior will continue.
#5 Get better at making friends.
It doesn’t matter if you’re outgoing or socially awkward, it’s important to learn how to make friends. Being bullied motivated me to work on making new friends, expanding my circle and distance myself from others. Through the use of books, teachers, mentors, and professionals; I learned how to make small talk, become more approachable and less socially awkward. In the process, I was also able to meet more interesting people and develop long lasting relationships. A few suggestions that helped me in making more friends are…
- Smile a whole lot more.
- Be open, don’t judge.
- Look For People With Similar Interests.
- Attend Social Events.
- Be kind.
- Give Compliments To Break The Ice.
- Make them laugh.
- Make others feel important.
- Be yourself.
- Ask Open-Ended Questions.
#6 Remember greatness awaits me.
Being bullied has taught me one of life’s greatest lessons; “the greatest accomplishments come from the greatest hardships.” It taught me to always find a way to be better, and break the proverbial glass ceiling. It forced me to reach beyond my limits, never settle for average and tap into my hidden potential.
#7 Be comfortable in my own skin.
It’s understandable to want to be liked by others, but that can’t be your entire focus. When being liked is your main focus, it is a symptom of a much bigger problem. When the main focus is being like, people often try to change who they are in order to please others. This tactic must be avoided, because you’ll lose sight of your true self. You become more of a chameleon than a genuine person. Chameleons change who they are depending on the people in their presence at the time. They also will say or do whatever is necessary for appeal, abandoning their genuine behaviors. You become someone who is untrustworthy, since no one really knows what you will do to please whoever is around. Being bullied has taught me to embrace who I am, and all my flaws and become comfortable in my own skin. To keep from becoming a chameleon and someone who is untrustworthy, you must…
- Stop Seeking Validation From Other People
- Try to see your self-worth
- Be more self-aware
- Accept your flaws
- Practice self-love
- Work on your personal insecurities
- Try to view Yourself from an outsider’s point of view
- Stop worrying of what others think of you
- Show gratitude for what you have and who you are.
#8 Struggle never ends, learn to deal with it.
Reality dictates that as long as you are a living breathing soul, you will always find struggle. Whether you are wealthy or supremely talented, challenges will arise all the way into adulthood. It makes no sense for you to become angry, bitter, or resentful for the hardships you’ve faced. Embrace these struggles because they will forever be a major catalyst in your life, providing many opportunities for growth. Some of the tactics I use to deal with adversity include…
- Finding humor in every situation
- Remembering what I’ve already accomplished
- Make peace with the situation
- Embrace adversity as a chance for opportunity.
- Refuse to give up.
- Know your purpose
- Always believe the best is yet to come
#9 Don’t be judgemental.
Often we judge people without realizing it. Whether it’s human nature or not, it does nothing to help us. I later realized I was judging people to feel better about myself. I stopped judging others by going outside my comfort zone and allowing myself to make mistakes. Seeing the mistakes you’ve made forces you to remove yourself from your pedestal. You begin to see yourself as someone who can be judged unfairly, as you have done to others. To limit the occurrences of you judging others…
- Re-evaluate any preconceived notions you have.
- Educate yourself more about ethnicities and cultures you’re ignorant to.
- Expand your experiences and broaden your horizon.
- Challenge your limited view of the world.
- Always ask yourself, “Am I being biased?”
- Always ask yourself, “Am I being jealous?”
#10 Retaliation works at best temporarily.
Revenge towards whom has caused you harm is a natural human emotion. Though it is natural, it is in the same breath unhealthy and unproductive. The temporary satisfaction that comes from getting “payback” unknowingly continues the cycle of abuse. Inflicting hurt on others, begets more hurt on to you or your loved ones. We all have a choice and choosing to heal and show kindness contributes to a much healthier life.
#11 Their actions have nothing to do with you.
I can’t blame you for taking it as a personal attack, when someone tries to hurt you either verbally or physically. I felt the same way too, when I was bullied. We take other’s actions personally because we have no idea what the other person has suffered through. We need to recognize everyone is struggling with personal demons whether it’s communicated or not. Chances are, you are not the only person they are hurting and their aggression towards you have nothing to do with you. They are simply just imposing on you, what was imposed on them. You’re job is to not take is personal and not make it convenient for them to hurt you
#12 Forgive those who have hurt you.
Yea, you heard me right, the “F” word; forgiveness. Forgiveness releases the anger and negativity that confines us. Forgiveness releases the constraints on growth and progress. Forgiveness is the beginning of the healing process that allows you to move on and receive your blessings. I’m not saying it’s easy to forgive, on the contrary it is quite difficult. To read more on what I did to forgive those that hurt me, read the article What Are The Steps To Forgiveness?
#13 It could always be worse.
When we’re dealing with our struggles and hardships, in the moment, it always feels like we’re at our lowest point. It often takes us longer to come out of it because that last thing we’re thinking about is “it could be worse.” Realizing this truth allowed me to show gratitude and be more positive in my thinking. It also minimized the longevity of each hardship as well as altering how I viewed those hardships. If it could always be worse, then what I’m dealing with is not so bad after all.
#14 Show empathy towards others.
After being bullied, it’s easy to find yourself retaliating that abuse onto others. Try to remember how you felt when you were on the receiving end and the empathy you sought from others. Imaging how the empathy you never had could have impacted your life. Showing the empathy that could have saved me brought peace to my heart.
Being bullied is often a traumatic experience, no one should have to bear; but there’s a silver lining. The potential blessings that can come from it dwarf the abuse received. Life is full of lessons that lay hidden in our path. These lessons lead to a more fulfilled and complete life, if we have the courage to open our eyes to see past the abuse. I hope this has been helpful. Also visit my YouTube channel for more insight to these topics.
The Bully Experience "Daniel's Story"
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