How Do I Love Myself First?
10 steps to transform self-hate into self-love
By Antoine G Larosiliere
We all have heard the saying, “Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself first.” But what we need to know is, How do I love myself first?
I know what you’re going through, I know how you feel; I’ve felt that void, too. When your relationship is over, you feel an emptiness. What we don’t realize is that emptiness was always there. The advice we get is “You have to love yourself first,” but no one ever explained what that really looks like, or answers the question, How do I love myself first? If you’ve gotten the same advice with no clear, definitive course of action, your frustrations are over. What took years for me to figure out, you will get just by reading this article. How Do I Love Myself First? Accept and show appreciation for who you are, consistently visualize the beautiful you, sculpt your appearance to your liking, exercise to unlock your body’s potential, give yourself consistent affirmations, woo yourself, learn to enjoy your own company, do more activities you love doing, surround yourself with people who uplift you, do not place expectations on others, only on yourself and you’ll transform your self-doubt and self-hate into self-love.
“Self-esteem, self confidence and self-love, all have a reciprocal effect on one another.”
Loving yourself is not…
Before we get into what exactly loving yourself looks like, let’s get out the way what it is not. Although they are similar, it is easy to confuse self-esteem with self-confidence, and both of those to self-love. Below are some unique differences that show the importance of all three.
Building self-confidence: Self-confidence is how you feel about your capabilities from situation to situation. It’s based on having a track record of success in a given field or on certain tasks. It is possible to have a healthy self-esteem, but low confidence on any given task or situation.
Building self-esteem: Your self-esteem is the way you feel about your overall self. Your self-esteem is a byproduct of the experiences that have molded how you see yourself.
Self-esteem, self confidence and self-love all have a reciprocal effect on one another. When you become more self-confident, you put more effort into loving yourself; therefore, your self-love improves. When you’ve built up your self-esteem, you’re more motivated to do the things that increase your self-love. In turn, when you love yourself, your self-esteem also grows, which leads you to become more confident as well.
What does not loving yourself do to your relationships?
Makes you needy: Turns you into an attention pest. You crave and demand a lot of affection and/or affirmations. You might be described as clingy or overbearing.
Makes you a poor communicator: When you communicate with your partner, you tend to be selfish, inconsiderate, and overly sensitive. You react very defensively and constantly justify your behavior.
You become standoffish: You try to hide your vulnerability. You’re consciously and subconsciously acting in ways that hide your emotions.
You allow yourself to be taken advantage of: You are afraid of upsetting others and don’t assert yourself for the things you want and need. You become too passive, and will let your emotions build up and boil over.
You “hate” on yourself: You refute your partner’s compliments. You call yourself names, and doubt your partner’s sincerity. You push people away because you’re not comfortable with acts of kindness.
Always have something to prove: You’re always trying to prove who you are and who you are not to your partner. Always doing too much at the wrong times and overcompensating.
Constantly judging: Always criticising and judging your partner making them uncomfortable to be themselves.
You are tolerant of abuse: You allow your partner to mistreat you because you’re use to it or because you feel you deserve it.
What is self-love?
Self-love is the process of appreciating who you are by taking care of your own needs, treating yourself kindly and becoming emotionally independent.
It’s also a series of actions, behaviors and habits that you implement into your everyday routine. It’s a process that starts from the beginning of your day to the end; and lasts to the end of the year and so forth. To love yourself, the series of behaviors that must be performed are…
#1 Accept and show appreciation for who you are.
Before you can improve on who you are and how you love yourself, you must begin with acceptance.
- Accept that you’re not perfect and that you will never be.
- Accept the things about you that you can’t change. Example: Height, auto-imune disorders…
- Appreciate the flaws you can change by seeing the opportunity for growth. Example: Overweight = opportunity to become healthier. Ignorant = Opportunity to become more educated.
- Make a list of the qualities you like about yourself.
- Embrace the qualities you like about yourself that you don’t plan on changing by acknowledging how they’ve helped you. Example: A great personality = Draws people to you. A handsome face = Increase employment and dating opportunities. Will power = Helps to resist dangerous temptations.
#2 Visualize the beautiful you!
True beauty goes beyond the surface, but being the best version of your external beauty is the beginning of a necessary process.
- Research the necessary changes you want to make to those flaws you have.
- Create a vision board of the future you.
- Visualize those changes every morning when you wake up and every night before you fall asleep.
#3 Sculpt your appearance to your liking.
You already know we live in a society where beauty is the calling card. There’s no way around it. We’re groomed to admire attractive people, and unfortunately we associate success and happiness with beauty. But make no bones about it, being attractive does not lead to happiness or success. If we allow how we look to define us, true love and happiness will elude us.
- Try different clothes to find the right complimentary cuts and styles
- Try different make-up looks (Enhance the beauty you already have don’t hide it.)
- Practice these looks at home in front of the mirror.
- Practice these looks out in public.
- Try different ways of walking, standing, laughing and speaking in front of the mirror to find and incorporate the mannerisms and qualities that exude self-love and confidence.
#4 Exercise to unlock your body’s potential.
It’s not all about how you look; it’s mostly about the way you feel. Part of showing yourself love is showing your body love. Your body will thrive with exercise and you’ll be able to accomplish more. It is a lot more difficult to pursue self-love and happiness if you are not physically fit. To be more physically fit, you must…
- Exercise regularly (at least 4 days a week).
- Have healthier eating habits.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Have your cheat meals in moderation.
#5 Give yourself consistent affirmations.
Many of us tend to have negative thoughts that are counterproductive to healthy living. Negative thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies; what we think tends to dictate our behavior and circumstances. According to Mindtools.com, “affirmations are positive statements that can help you to challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts.” It’s a way of “brainwashing” or rewiring your thoughts and behavior.
- Imagine what you would say to someone you love, and say it to yourself.
- Making yourself your own biggest fan, literally cheering for yourself. Example: “you can do it, you’re awesome, you’re brilliant!”
- Speak kind and empathetic words to ourselves! Example: “it’s ok, everyone makes mistakes, you’ll get it next time.”
- Celebrate and compliment every accomplishment, no matter how small.
#6 Woo yourself
Consistent affirmations isn’t enough, by itself. You have to reinforce those words with the appropriate behaviors that show “you appreciate you.” Words make us feel good, but actions make us feel better. Imagine what you would do for someone you love and do that for yourself. For instance…
- Caress yourself and massage yourself as much as it is needed.
- Buy yourself things that make you feel good. Example: Nice dress, jewelry, a bottle of wine, a nice dinner, or flowers.
- Book a spa appointment.
#7 Enjoy your own company.
One of the most empowering things you can do is truly enjoying your own company. Many of us including myself, don’t like to be alone. For a multitude of reasons, we are afraid of our own company. If you can eventually find joy in your own company; you’re that much closer to emotional independence, self-love and happiness. This is the point where all the affirmations and wooing yourself starts to take effect. You love your own company because you learned what to say and do to keep yourself feeling good. Start cultivating self-love and enjoy your own company by…
- Taking walks in the park.
- Take yourself to see a great movie or play.
- Take yourself out dancing, or dance alone at home.
#8 Discover and do more activities you love doing.
Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try, but was too afraid? Life is too short! You never know what you’ll truly love to do until you experience it. Give yourself a chance to experience new ideas and opportunities..
- Invest in activities you enjoy.
- Take a weekend class? Example: Take a yoga class, an italian speaking class, a cooking class.
- Learn to play that instrument you’ve always wanted to play.
- Think of new hobbies you would like to try and try it.
- Travel to a place you’ve always wanted to.
#9 Surround yourself with people who uplift you.
Have you ever heard the expression “birds of a feather flock together?” Well, how about “misery loves company?” Both of these sayings share the same premise. What they mean is that the people we choose to be around or share our lives with are a reflection of us. They mirror how we feel about ourselves to the universe, and the universe gives us more of the same. Distance yourself from those people who don’t uplift you. Below are the types of people you distance yourself from.
- The pessimist who’s constantly negative.
- The people who criticize you all the time.
- The people who don’t contribute to anything. Being around them is a complete waste of time.
- The people who are jealous of you.
- The people who constantly play the victim. They claim It’s always someone else’s fault, and people are always attacking them.
- The people who are narcissistic and self centered.
- The ones who are not comfortable in their own skin and are always lying to you.
- People who have no compassion or empathy.
In contrast the people you should surround yourself with are few. If you have these people already in your life, do right by them. Use them to propel you to the best version of yourself. That’s what they are there for. According to Dr. Roopleent, these people are…
- The ambitious and passionate people.
- Your doers; the people who have drive and are go-getters.
- The problem solvers.
- Those who are on a similar journey as you. As long that journey leads to growth it works.
- Those who can inspire you and can be a role model to you or others.
- Those who help you tap into your full potential and bring out the best in you.
- The people who can provide honest and genuine feedback.
- Those who help keep happy, upbeat and positive.
- The forward thinking kinds of people.
#10 Do not place expectations on others only on yourself.
The final step in the process focuses on accountability. No one else is responsible for loving you except you. Therefore, do not place expectations on others to love you. By having this understanding, you will continue with the affirmations, the behaviors, and all the work associated with self-love. It will allow you to be emotionally independent even when you’re in a committed relationship. What that means is; you will have more control over your happiness, because it’s not entirely predicated on your partner’s words or actions.
Most psychologists will tell you that self-love and being loved is crucial to our happiness and happiness. Whether you’re single, or in a relationship, self-love sets the foundation for all healthy interactions and is the key to having a fulfilling life. I hope this has been helpful. Also visit my YouTube channel for more insight to these topics.
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