Why is my child bullying others?
By Antoine G Larosiliere
Last year was a difficult year for myself and many parents, and some of us found ourselves asking the question, “why is my child bullying others?”
Hearing your child is bullying others feels offensive initially. Many parents including myself react defensively when told their child has bullied someone. It feels as if they’re being blamed for something they never instilled, but the question “why is my child bullying others” still must be answered. Imagine if we can put our feelings aside and get a real insightful answer to this question. I will do in this article, what I’ve always done when speaking with parents; tell the truth. Why is my child bullying others? The truthful, yet difficult answer is, “look in the mirror.” Children will pick up some bullying tendencies from their family members or friends, but those same friends learned it from another friend who learned it from an adult. Your child is likely a victim of abuse or neglect. Your child is a bully because they lack empathy, compassion, attention, adult supervision, high self esteem, and desires retaliation and control over their lives and the lives of others.
What is my child doing that’s considered bullying?
It was very upsetting to me when I was told that my son has bullied someone, and I’m sure many parents feel the same. But, before we can begin to see the connections between your child’s actions and our own, we need to see first what your child might be doing that would be considered bullying. I won’t go into detail on all the different forms of bullying and what they entail, any government anti-bullying website can give you that information. In general there’s verbal, physical, social, prejudicial, cyber and sexual forms of bullying. Once parents have identified the specific behaviors their child has engaged in, what happens next is usually this…”I don’t know where he/she got that from?” Or, “we don’t do that in our house!” Or, I’m shocked, he/she knows better than that!” Truth of the matter is they often don’t, because parents often don’t, myself included.
“As a teacher, I can say with full confidence that most teachers are against bullying and will do what they can to bring an end to it and make the children in their classrooms feel safe.”
Why is the school not responsible?
It is the school’s responsibility and a federal law to guarantee a bully-free environment for our children. The schools must have some form of bullying prevention instituted in the polices or curriculum. The school must report all bullying incidents, but have discretion over how to discipline the child. As a teacher, I can say with full confidence that most teachers are against bullying and will do what they can to bring an end to it and make the children in their classrooms feel safe. As a father of 4, I don’t expect the teachers or the school system to raise my child. Children will pick up some bullying tendencies from their friends, but those same friends learned it from an adult. That adult usually presides in the home.
Why do kids bully?
Research has shown that kids who bully often:
• Lack empathy and compassion for others’ feelings
• Are expressing anger about situations in their lives
• Desires control
• Have low self esteem
• Do it to impress their peers
• Have parents or siblings who bully
• Lack attention or supervision
• Have parents that do not enforce discipline
• Are victims of bullying and desires to retaliate
Victims of abuse and neglect
Essentially bullies are victims of abuse or neglect. If they weren’t necessarily abused, then they grew up in an environment where they witnessed the abuse. Those that are victims of abuse, had no control of the abuse they suffered and often feel powerless in that environment. Therefore, they tend to have an increasing need to take back control if not of their own life, than the life of others. They exhibit this control by teasing, hurting or humiliating others. By doing so, they hope to control your emotions, thoughts, or actions. This gives them the false sense of control they lack in their home environments. The children who are victims of neglect, have a dire need for the attention they don’t receive at home. Quite a few actions can provide them with attention. Sometimes they hope to gain popularity by becoming the class clown who makes everyone laugh by either teasing or mocking someone else. Sometimes the bully will physically intimidate and hurt others to gain that much needed attention.
“I don’t teach my child to bully others.”
If you’re one of those parents that have said “I don’t know where he got that from,” or “we don’t do that in our home,”please take some time to really be introspective. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “children are a sponge,” that’s because they truly are. They watch us even when we don’t realize it. They listen to our words, our tone, our actions or reactions, not to mention our non actions. Not only do they watch, but they mimic our behaviors; good or bad. Whatever flaws we have that we try to hide or not admit to often show up in our children. If in your household, insults are spewed or there’s some supposedly harmless teasing going on; chances are your child will go to school and emulate some of these behaviors. If there is any form of physical violence in your home, your child will likely see it as normal and be more drawn to violence elsewhere.
He then goes to school trying to be like daddy
I’m not a therapist by any means, and my wife and I are well educated, professional caring people and I’ve seen it in our own home. When my wife gets frustrated with the children, she will yell. Because of it ¾ of our children are loud, and find it normal to raise their voice. Even though in my home, insults aren’t thrown around; we do crack jokes. I watch movies with my children all the time; and I never realized that my youngest son would listen to me crack jokes throughout the entire movie. He then goes to school trying to be like daddy, but instead movies, he’s making fun of classmates. I didn’t directly teach him to tease his classmates, but I indirectly did. Raising children is the most challenging yet rewarding responsibility we as adults have. It challenges us to work on our own flaws and become better people, in order to raise better human beings.
How do I get my child to stop bullying others?
–First and foremost, help the child understand the circumstances that took place that has led them to committing these acts. This will give the child a clearer picture of who they are so they can assume accountability instead of blame.
–Educate your child on the effects their behavior will have on others. Out of sight and out of mind; the bully doesn’t go home with the victim. Show your child articles, documentaries, movies that can show the effects bullying has on the victim.
–Set clear and specific consequences for the child. The consequences should be meaningful and there should be opportunities to earn privileges back.
–Teach your child to be more empathetic. Empathy is an important component in building emotional intelligence and compassion and is effective in reducing bullying.
–Teach by example: Be the example in your child’s life. Work on your flaws and shortcomings, so you can help your child work on theirs. It’s a lot more difficult to help your child become a better person, without improving yourself.
–Role playing: Role play at home different situations to prepare your child for potential conflicts.
–Action plan: Devise an action plan with your school community. Work with the guidance counselors, assistant principals, deans and teachers and create an action plan that will not only teach and model the proper behaviors, but also puts in place effective consequences and incentives to maintain personal growth.
I hope this has been helpful! Many strategies including the one I just mentioned can also be found in the novel The Bully Experience: Daniel’s Story. Also subscribe to the YouTube channel for more insight to these topics.
The Bully Experience "Daniel's Story"
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