Why does my wife bully me? Am I the one to blame?
By Antoine G Larosiliere
After spending some time with a dear friend, I wondered if he ever asked himself the question, why does my wife bully me?
Some say bullying is a school issue, but the truth is it’s a societal issue. It happens everywhere, including inside our homes. Bullying is not just between siblings, but also between parents or life partners. According to the FBI, “violence will occur during the course of two-thirds of all marriages.”
If you’re in a situation where you’re being bullied by your spouse and you must ask yourself, why is my wife bullying me; brace yourself for the answer. Your wife is bullying you because she’s a victim of abuse and wants to control you, but more importantly it’s because you allow it. You either want to be controlled by her and avoid responsibility, or due to your own abusive past, you’ve normalized patterns of abusive behaviors.
According to research 1 in 3 women have been victims of physical violence by an intimate partner as opposed to males who are 1 in 4. Now let’s look closer at the reasons why in full glance.
You allow it.
I’m not here to blame or exonerate the abuser, but there’s a certain amount of accountability that must be assigned to the victim. An abusive act can happen to anyone unprovoked and unexpected, but the victim can stop it from repeating. If someone is consistently mistreating you, it’s because you allow it. No one can consistently mistreat you without permission. The only way to show someone a behavior will not be tolerated is by walking away. Whatever you tolerate, they will continue to do.
“The nature of bullying involves one party trying to control the other”
You want to be controlled.
If it’s clear that abuse continues to happen to us because we allow it, we need to also understand why we allow it. The nature of bullying involves one party trying to control the other, but why does the victimized party allow it. One glaring reason is because we want to be controlled. It could be because you have normalized controlling behavior because that’s what you grew up with. Or, you crave being controlled because it gives your life a sense of order and consistency. Often this need to be controlled is subconscious and the victim isn’t aware of it. If you have a subconscious need to be controlled by your significant other, you will likely do any of the following…
- You allow them to keep track of you because it makes you feel needed.
- You allow them to be inconsistently available.
- You allow them to be there for you only when it suits them.
- You allow yourself to be micromanaged, because you have low confidence in your abilities.
- You let them guilt trip you with values, virtues and religious principles.
You have normalized abuse.
If you’re still not sure why a man, or any person for that matter, would consistently allow themselves to be bullied by their spouse; here’s another rationale. We normalize abuse, controlling behavior, and that includes bullying. Some of us went through a cycle of childhood abuse; that turned into adolescent abuse; which eventually led to spousal abuse. This cycle of abuse depending on the person, has programmed your brain to think this is normal. The rationale is, if it always seems to happen; that must be how life is. This must be normal, and if it is; I need to find a way to tolerate and deal with it. When we normalize abusive/bullying behavior, we…
- You refuse to acknowledge that abuse is taking place.
- You are afraid of the consequences of speaking up.
- You accept the belief that you are “too sensitive.”
- You think you deserve it.
- You believe abuse equals love or passion.
- You don’t think you’re worth more.
- You make excuses for present behavior.
You Lack of responsibility.
Sometimes when someone is being bullied or abused by someone else, they’ll choose not to stop it. They don’t take responsibility, because they don’t want the responsibility. Choosing to stop certain behaviors, will force them to address their real issues; which are usually rooted in insecurities and fears. Being responsible for their actions exposes their insecurities as well as their fear of the unknown. Facing your fears and insecurities requires courage which they may not have. It’s much easier to keep pointing the finger and accept others’ actions because they’re already familiar with what that entails; and that’s exactly what they do. Don’t accept responsibility to avoid addressing their issues.
They can’t control their fears
Fear is often a great motivator in any bullying situation, especially in romantic relationships. Your significant other could be fearful of losing you, being alone, or exposing their insecurities. They try to control external forces that include you to keep their anxiety at bay. By tightening their grip on you, it gives them a sense of security and comfort. If your wife is a bully and her fears are getting the best of her, she may do any of the following.
- Limit the amount of time you spend with your friends.
- Prevent or forbid you from hanging out with certain people.
- Unfairly criticise you to make you not want to do something.
- Make threats or give ultimatums to prevent certain behavior.
- They make sex or affection conditional.
- Throw what they’ve done for you in your face.
- Make you feel guilty about the past or actions you wish to take in the future.
- They are constantly spying on you.
- They are constantly requesting/demanding full disclosure.
They have unrealistic expectations.
Some people have a distorted perception of reality that creates unrealistic expectations for their lives, including in their romantic relationships. They are never satisfied with what they have, and won’t be satisfied with what they eventually will obtain. There is no pleasing this woman. No man will ever be enough, because she’s never happy with herself. So, don’t take it personal. She’ll blame you for everything to keep from admitting she’s not enough to herself. If your wife has unrealistic expectations about the relationship, she is likely to….
- No matter what you do, it’s never enough.
- She expects you to drop what you’re doing to tend to her.
- She must come first all the time and disregard your needs.
- She has a list of demands that is almost impossible to fulfill.
- She thinks arguments are a sign of trouble.
- They think they are all you’ll ever need.
- She expect you to know what they’re thinking.
- She expect you to engage and be interested in the same common interests.
- She is always complaining about everything.
She had a difficult upbring or home life.
Most adults who bully including those engaged in romantic relationships often feel rejected, neglected or some kind of anger or emptiness from the people who are supposed to love them. They are either bitter that their parents or guardians haven’t spent time with them, or still hurting from being abused or abandoned completely. They are also likely to come from households that are violent in nature, where tension, arguments and hostility are the norms.
She has low self-esteem.
Some people try to hide how they really feel about themselves. Some wives who bully want to take the focus off of them, and onto someone else. That someone else is usually you, the husband. They are deflecting any negative attention onto you, because they can’t handle seeing or dealing with their own reflection. If your wife is bullying you because she has low self-esteem, she might engage in the following…
- Unsure or confused on how to fix their own problems.
- Always comparing themselves or you to others.
- Have difficulty articulating what they need.
- Worry about making wrong choices.
- Struggle with accepting compliments.
- Always have something negative to say about either you or themselves.
- They have little respect or appreciation for boundaries.
Domestic violence and spousal bullying can be very damaging if left untreated or ignored. If you’re a victim of spousal bullying, you should seek professional help. If spousal bullying involves violence, please contact your local police station. I hope this has been helpful. Also visit my YouTube channel for more insight to these topics.
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