Why is My Child Getting Bullied by Friends? What I Wished I Knew Before.
By Antoine G Larosiliere
One month before remote learning began, a parent and teacher who had recently bought my anti-bullying novel asked me, why is my child getting bullied by friends?
As a parent myself, my son at one point was being bullied by his friend and I recognized the helplessness and frustrations I had; I wondered then, what she is wondering now, why is my child getting bullied by friends? Imagine if I knew then what I know now, how much more helpful I could have been. After reading this article you will not feel helpless anymore. Why is my child getting bullied by friends? Being friends with your child empowers the bully. The bully is sometimes jealous of your child and their anger or frustration compels them to mistreat your child. The bully believes they can control how your child feels and behaves through acts of intimidation. It’s likely, the bully also wants your child to feel the same misery that they are often living with. The dysfunction in the bullies life could also have influenced them to mimic this abusive behavior towards your child.
an unwanted, aggressive often repeated behavior that involves an imbalance of power.
to have someone constantly around that they can control..
Bullying is defined as an unwanted, aggressive often repeated behavior that involves an imbalance of power. Lets focus on the imbalance of power part of the definition. “Imbalance of power” is referring to there being an uneven distribution of control. One person has more control over the other. If your child is shy, unassuming, or passive, the bully may sometimes befriend them to have someone constantly around that they can control. Having someone around constantly that they can control “empowers” them.
Most of these bullies are victims of bullying..
What we sometimes fail to understand is that most of these bullies are victims of bullying themselves, if not from school then from home. They had no control of the abuse they suffered in the hands of others, so to gain some control over their life, they try to control someone else. When I say “control” I’m not always referring to the control of other’s behavior. Indeed the bully does try to make your child do things they don’t necessarily want to do; such as where to go, what to say or what to wear. Often the bully also tries to control how others feel with insults, acts of intimidation and so on…
Anger and frustrations inside the bully that compels them to act..
Jealousy sometimes is at the root of the motivation to impose this imbalance of power. Jealousy can breed emotions of anger and frustrations inside the bully that compels them to act. In the case of my son, he was a popular, funny kid who wasn’t used to conflict. His bully wanted to be seen and associated with him because of his popularity, but that was also an opportunity for the bully to control my son’s feelings, by taking his things and intimidating him. Having that power over a popular, and likeable kid empowered the bully. It likely made him feel better about his shortcomings whatever they may be.
It often feels as if they’re the only ones going through it..
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “misery loves company,” but that has never been more true than with my son’s friend. When people are hurting or going through some kind of stress or abuse in their life, it often feels as if they’re the only ones going through it. Human beings are also attracted to what they are and often impose how they feel on others to help erase this feeling or notion that “it’s only me.” By making my son feel annoyed, and sometimes frustrated by hiding his things and making fun of him; his friend and bully no longer feels as if he’s the only one who feels that way.
Learned dysfunctional relationships has influenced us.
The most important factor that provokes this imbalance of power is the learned dysfunctional relationship that has influenced us. When this parent asked me the question “why is my child being bullied by friends,” I began to ask her personal questions. She shared information about the relationship she has with her ex-husband and childs father. I was able to see the connection between the dysfunction in the household and why her child allowed themselves to be bullied by a friend. The child grew up seeing abuse and love coexisting in a relationship or friendship. This experience could have indirectly conditioned the child to be more acceptable of this kind of dysfunction. The same way the bully is likely to emulate the abuse and dysfunction they witnessed in their homes. What we as parents refuse to realize is that we’re often the cause of it, whether directly or indirectly. We blame the schools, we blame society, the video games, the movies, but turn a blind eye to our own dysfunctions that have materialized in our children.
Let’s take it a step further and work on alleviating this foul friend problem.
I hope now you have an answer to the question, why is my child getting bullied by friends?
Let’s take it a step further and work on alleviating this foul friend problem. As a parent and educator, here are a few practices and strategies that have been helpful to helping my students and my own children.
–Explain to your child why they’re being bullied by their friend. This is important because most kids don’t understand why they’re being targeted or bullied and will often blame themselves.
–Educate your child on the value of being courageous. If your child’s behavior happens to be a byproduct of the dysfunction in your home, explain to them what could have been, if indeed you were more courageous. Explain to your child the mistakes you’ve made, so they don’t repeat them.
–Encourage your child to make new friends. Making new friends will confirm to your child that the problem wasn’t them. They don’t have to stay in unhealthy friendships and not everyone will bully them or treat them in a manner they don’t deserve.
–Role play and practice assertive responses to the bullying at home. Do not send your child back to dealing with these bullies without equipping them with strategies or responses that will prepare them for these uncomfortable and unwanted bullying situations. Role-play together at home and encourage them to practice assertive responses on their own as well. Some of these assertive responses as well as some useful strategies against bullying can be found in the novel “The Bully Experience” Daniel’s Story, in particular the chapter called “The Solution.”
–Engage in self-esteem building activities or outings with your child. Most children that get bullied, especially the ones that get bullied by their friends need further help. These children usually have either self-esteem issues or low self confidence. It is important to get your child engaged with activities that will foster growth in these areas. Some examples of activities are exercising, martial arts, performing arts, even a new hairstyle.
The Bully Experience "Daniel's Story"
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